This past weekend, I had what I call an Escapism binge.
I’m really good at going all in on something. My personality can be obsessive and laser focused, and I love to “win”. Sometimes this looks like things you can actually win at like games but most of the time there is some constructed way to “win” that I have come up with in my head. Getting everything done on my to-do list, finishing a book, reorganizing the entire kitchen, telling the best story in a group conversation, etc. When it is task oriented, my husband calls it “chop-chop mode,” where everything else in life becomes secondary and all my focus is on my task. This can be an incredibly helpful skill, but it also can be increasingly consuming. I’ve been known to prioritize “winning” over relationships, over God, over care of myself. It’s not healthy, and it’s definitely not rooted in pursuit of the Lord.
And when it turns to escapism, I’m really good at maintaining blindness to everything else in pursuit of complete numbing. This past weekend, what it looked like was video games. Prior to having our first child, my husband and I loved playing video games together. Mostly two person games on our switch, but I really got into it when Hogwarts Legacy came out. As a Harry Potter nerd that was thrilling. For obvious reasons, I’ve taken a major step back since having our daughter. This past weekend, I got the itch to play (Zelda Breath of the Wild if you were wondering).
Let me be the first to say that playing video games is not evil by any means. However, your girl lacks some serious self-control. I was all in. Perfectionism creeps its way into my hobbies as well. I want to do it completely and perfectly and it quickly turns obsessive when I’m given a list of games to complete and dopamine hits when I do. I prioritized it above pretty much everything else. I’m ashamed to admit, even my daughter at points. Not in her basic care, but in relationship and playing with her. That’s why I needed to write this, because admitting that I binged this weekend in an unhealthy way is the way I have to combat my perfectionism. I need to admit my weakness.
God is really cool in that by the time Monday morning came around, really Sunday night when I was going to bed, I was really beating myself up. The enemy was helping by heaping lots of shame on top but I was doing a lot of the work to just feel super crummy about how I spent my weekend. Then God showed up in a beautiful way, as He always does. The Bible App verse of the day was 2 Corinthians 12:10, the end of my favorite verses in the Bible.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV
[8] Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. [9] But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. [10] For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
We don’t know what Paul was talking about but this has been my life verse for a very long time. For a while it was my go-to verse to use in my struggle with porn and masturbation, but really, it’s about my struggle with perfectionism. I hate that I am weak, that I always mess up and am never perfect. But God says my weakness is what allows him to work in my heart and life.
So that’s why I need to write posts like this. I need to boast about my weaknesses so his power can rest upon me. I also know the power of a statement from a fellow believer that they struggle too.
So, if you have ever numbed out life and feel ashamed about it, know that I have too. The good news is, in our weakness, we are strong. Praise God, because I am weak and I need Him. Here’s to pursuing HIM and not perfection.
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