Wildly Imperfect

This is My Story

“5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses— 6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:5-10

2 Corinthians 12:9 is my life verse. It became my life verse after God showed me what His grace really was. 

It was the summer before my Freshman year of college. I was at a Christian summer camp that helped students find a home church and Christian community before they started college in the fall. To be honest, I wasn’t sure why I was there. I knew it was the good, “Christian” thing to do before starting college, but if I was honest, I had already decided I would do my own thing once I started school. I had grown up in church my whole life. I was saved at six years old, but I had been walking far from God, in a double life, throughout high school. You see, I had a secret– a dark secret that in my mind, invalidated my faith. At 13, I stumbled across porn on the internet. I wasn’t looking for it, but once I found it, I had gone down a dark path and I didn’t (and felt that I couldn’t) tell anyone. Christian girls did not struggle with this. Maybe Christian boys, but for sure not Christian girls. I felt utterly alone and ashamed and unable to escape. I couldn’t tell anyone and I lived in a tension between who I presented to the world around me and who I felt like inside–dirty, broken, and far too gone for saving. I even “hid” my sin from God, knowing that He of course knew, but secretly hoping He didn’t because otherwise, He would surely cast me aside. It was a terrible tension to live in.

On the second night of camp, we split for girl and guy time. The leaders were current college students and the girl leaders had designed an activity–they all stood with a word written on a piece of cardboard. They took turns sharing their word, and their story, and then turned the cardboard over to a word that showed how the gospel had changed their lives. To be honest, I don’t even remember what the first three girls said, my brain was too fixated on the fourth word in the line—dirty. That’s how I felt. I felt dirty and broken and so alone. I waited with bated breath, a glimmer of hope in what the fourth girl would say. When it was her turn, I could barely breathe as she told the story of her struggle with porn and sexually stumbling with her boyfriend and how hard it was to return to purity afterward. When she flipped her sign over, it read “made clean.” I remember sitting there, struggling not to cry, and just shaking my head because I didn’t believe it. She talked about how Jesus had shown her that no matter how dark her stain of sin was, He had already washed it white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 promises, “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”

Later that night, I approached this girl and for the first time in my life, I confessed my sins of porn and masturbation out loud. I remember just the utter relief of speaking the words and the tears just streaming down my face as I realized that confessing it didn’t change God’s love for me, in fact, it made my heart open to accept His love. I remember being in worship that night just pouring out my heart freely for the first time in what felt like forever, really knowing and believing in His Grace. 

If you’ve had that moment, where God really showed you His Grace, you know that this revelation changed me and my life, but it didn’t mean that I never struggled again. I like to say that I am a recovering perfectionist. I struggle every single day with taking control, trying to earn God’s favor, and in general striving for both worldly and spiritual things. This is where God has continuously pointed me towards 2 Corinthians 12:9. I used to think that my thorn was my sexual sin struggle, but I now know that it has always been my perfectionism. Even though I no longer struggle with the desire to masturbate and read porn, I still struggle to believe that His Grace is sufficient. I struggle with everyday tasks– in my work, in my roles, and even in my faith. I am quick to believe the lie that I have to be good enough, mostly okay enough, perfect enough before I go to God with my issue. I am so prone to trying to fix myself so that God doesn’t have to do that much for me. 

Every time I think I’m past my struggle with this toxic perfectionism, God hits me upside the head and helps me remember my desperate need for him every single day. Because the reality is, I can and will never be good enough, perfect enough. I am utterly weak, and I must boast of those weaknesses so that His power can rest upon me. Without His power, I am unable to live and exist and walk in freedom. Even as I write this, I find myself crying. Because I again have found myself striving to fix my circumstances and control my way out of how I’m feeling in my new role as a mother and stay at home mom. Finding my identity in, “If I just find the perfect schedule, I will be able to be content.” And again He whispers, “my precious daughter, I am sufficient, you will never be.” 

So I confess my perfectionism and control once again, knowing that I need Jesus. I need Him desperately because HIS Grace is sufficient for me. And it’s sufficient for you too. Let yourself be washed by that truth and that message that when you are weak, that is when you are strong.